Monday, February 7, 2011

Passing Me By

I never thought I'd be at this point in my life, the point where I don't know exactly where I am in my life and I'm not sure what exactly I'm doing. I've always had a plan. I never make an uninformed. I always play it safe, yet here I am. Maybe it's because I've always been doing something. I mean that throughout my life, I've either been in school or employed. (Summer break doesn't count. I still had projects.) I'm not used to doing...nothing. I feel useless, especially since I can't drive yet. Which reminds me: Kaitlin got her license and a job! I told her it would all work out. Anyway, I can't do much on my own without the license, and we only have one household car. Ugh, I need a car.

One thing I can smile about: I got a call for an interview today. I just hope I haven't messed it up before I go! The lady calls around 11 am asking about scheduling an interview, and she wanted to go for Thursday, 1:30 pm. I'm just glad to get a call, but I know that there are other..."factors" I need to consider before planning anything. So I let her know that I'll "check my schedule" and get back to her before setting the date, and when I say "check my schedule," I mean that I need to check with Mom first. Not that I need her permission to schedule a job interview. She has the car, and I'm grounded from going anywhere when she does. Ugh, I need a car. I text Mom to if she's working Thursday at 1:30 pm. I don't get a sure answer until she gets home around 6:30. So I call the HR lady and leave a message confirming Thurs @ 1:30 if she hasn't filled the slot in the 6 hrs I left her waiting on my response, that is. Now I'm waiting until she gets my message and calls again tomorrow. I REALLY hope I didn't mess this up. I've got bills to pay.

Have you ever felt like everyone else is just passing you by, and you wanna join them, but you don't know where to start? That's how I feel right now. I've fallen hard, moreso mentally and emotionally. I don't know how I'm going to deal with Dachelle being disfellowshipped. (If you didn't know, now you know. Leave it at that.) I'm so upset with her! She's not doing anything to make her situation better! I'm glad she's being diligent in looking for a job, but besides that and school, there is no spiritual improvement whatsoever. On top of that, I don't think she realizes exactly HOW MUCH our relationship has changed now. I don't want to associate that closely with a disfellowshipped person that doesn't see any reason to change whether we're related or not. I don't know how long it'll take for her to realize the changes she needs to make, and I don't know if I can deal with it as long as she's living under the same roof as me. I have a strong feeling that one of us will be moving out soon. In any case, I need to get my head right again. I'm young, energetic. I need to be busy. I don't mind a break, but I can't sit around doing nothing for too long. It's driving me crazy! I wish I can say "I'll just keep doing what I'm doing," but I don't know what I'm doing! I know what I'll do. Citing the reason why I quit my last job, I'll focus on my ministry. I have a lot of return visits to cultivate. I hope Jehovah helps me throughout. I need Him more than ever now...

And the beat goes on...