Sunday, July 26, 2009

Probably the Deepest Self-Examination I've Ever Made

Last night, I was doing the Watchtower lesson for today's meeting. The article was about spiritual maturity and how a person can progress toward it. As I read and highlighted the answers to the questions, I thought about what exactly the article was saying. The article was saying that a spiritually mature person partakes of the word of God, his Bible, and applies it principles in every aspect of his life. Such application results in a willingness to obey His commandments and the advice of his "faithful and discreet slave." In my mind, I was thinking, "Am I still a babe, or can I honestly call myself spiritually mature?" Thinking about the answer to this question just gave me another question: Who am I?

Who am I? I don't know exactly. Well, let's see what's true. Legally, I'm Daniel Matthew Sutton, firstborn son of Shavonne Sutton-Turner and Victor Rezabala's second son, born February 22, 1991, in Jersey City, NJ. Biologically, I'm a male of the human species. I'm 5' 6" tall and weigh around 137 lbs. Scholastically, I am an alumnus of Goose Creek High School, graduated a year early in the top 5 of the class of 2008, and had a GPA of 4.51. I'm currently a student of ECPI College of Technology, pursuing my A.A.S. Degree in Electronics Engineering. Spiritually, I am one if Jehovah's Witnesses. I was raised as such, and I was baptized on June 25, 2005, in Columbia, SC, when I was 14. Okay, all of the above is true, but is that all that can be attached to my name--cold, hard facts?

Despite legally being an adult, I guess I can say I'm still pretty impressionable, but is that really a bad thing? I guess it depends. I do tend to take certain habits and behaviors from different people. My varied taste in music reflects this perfectly. Maybe I do this because I want to imitate the apostle Paul in 'becoming all things to people of all sorts.' (1 Corinthians 9:22) However, Paul did that so he could find common ground with potential servants of God. Why do I do it outside of that reason? Is it because I want to belong? Do I want everyone to like me? Should everyone like me? Would pursuing that be wise? If I know not everyone I meet will like me, why do I try so hard? Am I blind in my pursuit to belong? Have I belonged all along and never realized it? Or maybe I have realized it and simply kept trying. Despite my tendency to be a loner, I do not wish it upon myself to be such. Wow, now I know for sure I'm not ready for any relationship. Right now, I can't emotionally handle being by myself, and I won't be ready until I can handle it. I guess my being 'all things to people of all sorts' is fine as long as I wish to associate with good, wholesome people who have the same values and ideals as I do. If that's true, then I can be as impressionable as I want to be because I'll be around good people, and according to Proverbs 13:20, "He that is walking with wise persons will become wise."

If I was to take away what I have absorbed from others, what is there left? Is there anything original? Anything unique? Is there anything I do of my own accord of which people say, "That's only something Daniel would do."? Trying to answer these questions would take a long time. I'd have to mentally strip myself of all that I've picked up from others over 18 years, and that would involve classifying what parts of me I've picked up from others and what parts of me I've developed because of experience. There is one thing I've developed from experience. Due to refusing to let my biological father's absence in my life get to me, I've developed a sense of nonchalance about a lot of things, and that led to somewhat of a coldness toward people. I thought that if don't let people get too close, I won't get hurt again.

Wow, I did let him get to me.

For someone who doesn't want to be feel lonely, I've really set myself up for that. I'm working on that, but I won't be done until I've forgiven him. Well, have I forgiven him?

I'll keep you posted.

Now that I think about it, I think I'll keep what I've picked up from others. It's served me well so far, so maybe I picked them up in an attempt to cover over the cold, resentful person I don't want to be on the inside. However, that's all that it is, a cover-up. I won't be the person I want to be until that part of me is gone, but when that part is gone, what's left? All that will be left is what I have picked up from others. Maybe it's those parts from others that I've picked up that contribute to who I am. I guess I don't want to be absolutely unique in the sense that I reflect who I really am deep inside. I'll settle for being relatively unique in the sense that I reflect a unique combination of traits that no one else has. I have these traits because I liked the people they came from, and I wouldn't like them if they weren't good people. After all of this, I'd like to think of myself as a good person. However, I only want to be a good person to only one, and that's Jehovah. It's the least I can do for all that he's done for me, my family, and all of his servants.

So, who am I? I still don't know exactly, but I'm going to have fun finding out.